you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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