I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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