i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
