I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
