Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
