new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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