That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
