I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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