just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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