I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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