everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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