My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
