don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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