apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
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I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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