Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dignity is for republicans.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ladies don't puke and tell
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
