party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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