Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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