I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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