he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
