Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
