I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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