Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
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Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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