I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
