the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
