wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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