if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
