Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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