The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
