She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
