Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
