i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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