I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
