He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
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I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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