lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
