I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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