I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
