So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
