I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
