im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
