Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
