so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
