Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
