yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
