I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
