At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
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remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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