Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
