I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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