my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
