He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
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I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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