I want you more than these girls want KFC
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
