We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
