Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
