what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
