He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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