I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
