Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
